jocelynspace: Mountains and Valleys

http://www.creatingfutures.net/depression

Mountains and Valleys

As I reflect on Easter, the production, and yes, my life so far this year... it is full of mountains and valleys. Particularly mountains, but valleys more recently...

(If you're not sure what I mean check out my comment linked to this post which contains the lyrics of the song that inspired the tile of this post.)

I've often struggled with my mental health, probably since I was twelve and experienced grief for the first time. Not that grieving is a mental illness, but just that I identify that time as the first that I understood unhappiness. In 2000 I dropped lower than I had before or have since, and soon after I experienced my first "high" or perhaps mania is a better word, seeing as it was a mood not influenced by drug use... Last year I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and looking back realise I was much more ill than I thought (scary). Plus that time wasn't only bad for me, but injured my friends and family, and caused others to worry about me (so much it made them sick too). Then as Christmas and New Year came the mountaintop arrived and stayed and stayed and stayed... for the first time I had to admit to myself that I really was sick, and really did need help, perhaps even medication... ugh, I don't like to label myself with a mental illness, it sounds much better just to say I've struggled with my mental health...

(but perhaps to those of you who haven't can't see a distinction. )

Anyway, I also decided that I wasn't going to let my moods (or my illness) dictate the person I am. I don't want to live my life on a rollercoaster, or as someone who regularly burns out and needs to take a break from life. But I can't do it by myself. Asking for help isn't easy for us proud, independent types... think we're intelligent, skilled, blah, blah, enough to help ourselves. As a Christian, I know this is false... and yet I still persist independently and avoid asking for help. I'd almost say hopeless, except that I'm not depressed so unwilling to admit that! ;)

I realise each day how much I need my saviour, and am so thankful I have him. I also realise each day how much I need my brothers and sisters... not just the family I was born into, but the people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ. The ones who have been my family when my family wasn't available, or was too far away. And I thank God for all of them.

Then I realise that there are so many people out there who don't know how much they need these people... or who do, but don't have them, and my heart breaks, and longs to bring them into the family I love so much. (and am loved by, yay!)

And yet, before me is a valley... Its not too deep, I can see the path ahead... but the road is narrow and steep, treacherous even, I can't see exactly where it is going, just that it is. And I'm tired, so I'm taking it slowly for the time being. Patching up the wounds I incurred as I tumbled down the last part of the hill [still, it was fun ;) don't you remember rolling down a grassy slope?] And I'm not here alone... friends and family are with me here, behind me and before me... and most importantly my saviour. We're holding hands today and walking side by side. He'll never leave me, never take me where I cannot go with him. There's even some people along the sidelines, cheering me on... thank you to all of you who are praying for me. And thank you to the faithful saints who finished the race ahead of me. But thank you most of all Jesus, my saviour... you completed this path thousands of years ago and yet are willing to walk with each of us. What a gift!

Lastly to those of you who do understand, who yourselves are in valleys, most likely deeper than mine. Be encouraged. You are not alone. There are so many of us who understand where you are, what it is like, and who are willing to walk with you. Please, if you need help, ask. There are so many people who want to help you. Especially Jesus, he longs to save all those who call on him.

My prayer is that my journey can be an encouragement to others, and that my faith is infectious and will give glory to God!